Gender Psychology: Dorothy Theory 2.0

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What is Dorothy Theory?

Here is an updated explanation of Dorothy Theory, originally posted on MySpace on February 8th, 2008:

Dorothy Theory is the notion that, in life, women (straight women) are essentially presented with three undesirable choices when seeking a mate: The Scarecrow (no brain), The Tin Man (no heart), and the Lion (no courage, i.e. no balls).

Ladies, pretend you’re Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, and you had to pick one of your three companions to be your boyfriend/husband/bang buddy. Assuming that they were all turned into good-looking, normal men, but retained their original personalities, which of them would you choose?

That’s the fundamental basis of Dorothy Theory, and the existential quandary of red-blooded women on seven continents.

Every day, women searching for Mr. Right are usually left with an unappetizing choice between an idiot, a dick, and a pussy. Every once in a while, I’m sure a man comes along who is none of the above, and women flock to him. Of course, since he’s fighting away women with a stick, he’s probably disinclined to select just one woman, since he’s neither a pussy nor an idiot.

Corollary of Dorothy Theory #1: If an incomplete man lacks a brain, a heart, or a set of balls, a Perfect Man has all three.

For the sake of making a point, assume for me that most of the straight male population is one of the three main archetypes, and women, out of loneliness, horniness, or desperation have to choose between one of the three. Which one has the fewest drawbacks?

The Scarecrow

This type has strong appeal to women that prefer to have Hand (dominance) in the relationship. High-Maintenance women also tend to prefer Scarecrows, as do the exceedingly patient, child-like, or motherly sorts. Nurses, teachers, and special education counselors might be the sort of women that find Scarecrows most appealing. Truly kind-hearted women, especially, seem to prefer this type of man.

Scarecrows just don’t understand women, or much of anything, in fact. They dress the way others (TIN HAT) tell them they should, and most of their conversations are extremely polite but excruciatingly boring. They’re excellent props at social gatherings; if you tell them to stand in one spot and smile, they’ll be happy to do so, at least until someone else comes along and manipulates them like Play-Doh. Scarecrows are generally good men, because the advantages of being bad don’t occur to them.

Scarecrows, sadly, get dumped and cheated on most easily, because they look at their woman with blind, canine affection. At first, a Scarecrow is adored by the woman targeting him, because he’s so polite, easy-going, and loyal. There’s usually a lot of passion in the bedroom, because up to this point, Scarecrows haven’t had women telling them how they need to behave.

Women get bored rather quickly with Scarecrows, and usually end up leaving them for a Tin Man. It’s fun for a while for a woman to have a life-sized Ken doll, but because Scarecrows tend to be so agreeable, women essentially take their balls from them and are left with an estrogen-laden puppet who can’t keep up with them in conversation.

Regrettably, most women eventually leave Scarecrows, even if the Scarecrow in question is a really good man. The frustration of not being understood, combined with a Scarecrow’s predictable and static nature, eventually compels women to look to greener pastures. Generally, after deciding she’s had enough of the Scarecrow, the much flashier Tin Man tends to catch her eye.

The Tin Man

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Women usually hop from the Scarecrow to the Tin Man because the Tin Man clearly has balls, which the woman in our example has long since stripped from the Scarecrow. Additionally, the Tin Man is obviously clever, and has an intuitive knowledge of women. The Tin Man, by far, gets women the hottest and is most able to sustain the initial attraction and animal lust at the onset of the relationship. A good Tin Man is likely to make most any woman the envy of her friends, which is something most women inherently desire.

Most Tin Men are exceptionally charming and very adept at reeling women in. For a while, they tend to mask their obvious emotional shortcomings by being smooth, exciting, terrific in bed, and presentable. Many are capable of thought-provoking conversation, and an equal number of compensate for their emotional void through extravagant gestures and social skill.

Tin Men do the best impersonation of the Perfect Man.

Tin Men are fun and passionate…until the woman realizes that’s all they are. The modern representation of the Tin Man is the Dick, a man who does what he pleases when he pleases. Tin Men are selfish, and they tend to be completely unfaithful and unreliable.

Most women spend a good chunk of their lives pounding their head against the wall trying to get a Tin Man (or Tin Men) to care about them. Some women think that if they act a certain way or are good enough in bed or are submissive enough, the Tin Man will suddenly wake up one day and be completely in love with them. Tin Men are as frustrating to deal with as Scarecrows, but in a uniquely different way.

To anyone with a brain, this should seem foolish: A Tin Men does not have a heart. That’s why he’s a Tin Man. A Tin Man is not going to change his self-centered ways unless he can logically convince himself to do so; even then, any change made is going to be largely, if not completely, self-serving.

The bottom line is that dating a Tin Man is ultimately not fulfilling for a woman, because he will never be able to offer the emotional connection almost all women seek in a long-term relationship.

Most women eventually wise up and realize they’re never going to make a Tin Man feel for them. Whereas a Scarecrow is easy to change and manipulate, a Tin Man is frustratingly, stubbornly set in his ways. He thinks of himself first and everyone else a distant second. As most women come to terms with this, they seek to find someone who can provide the sensitivity the Tin Man could not.

The Cowardly Lion

After dealing with both the cement-headed Scarecrow and the aloof and incorrigible Tin Man, if a woman is not yet ready to give up in frustration and apply for a full-time Carpet-Licker Membership Card, the Cowardly Lion can become an appealing option.

The Cowardly Lion is a man who, either through socialization, psychological makeup, or hormonal predilection, has an innate and remarkable understanding of women. He radiates warmth, kindness, and sensitivity. He has none of the emotional shortcomings of the Tin Man and displays much more emotional comprehension than the Scarecrow.

The Cowardly Lion becomes most desirable for women directly following a long and fruitless battle of wills with the ever-stubborn Tin Man. The Cowardly Lion understands; he cares when a woman is upset and does his best to comfort her or cheer her up. He is a constant, steady stream of good feelings and a perpetual ego-boost, a combination that seems positively magical after a woman has experienced the emotional turbulence that almost always accompanies the Tin Man.

One would think, after exhausting her previous two options, the woman would happily settle down with a caring, empathetic soul like the Lion, right? Here’s the rub: almost all women are completely sexually disinterested with a standard Cowardly Lion.

After all, as the name implies, he’s a complete pussy, which in-honesty extremely few women would concede to being turned on by. It’s great to have a man who understands the perils and pitfalls of womanhood, at least until the woman in question starts to feel frisky and realizes the Cowardly Lion couldn’t get her wet with a 100-foot fire hose.

This is a point of frustration among both sexes: women fawn over and adore men who display androgynous or even feminine traits such as kindness, the ability to listen, gentility, the desire to help and please others, etc. The list goes on and on. Yet despite this fascination, women often show a complete lack of sexual interest in this type of men, as the characteristics that appease women on one level completely dissatisfy them on another.

Many men logically conclude that sensitivity is What Women Want, because women claim to adore these traits in their ideal man. The only problem is, while women have been socially conditioned to laud these traits, on an animal, subconscious level women find them boring or even repulsive. At the end of the day, most women want a Man, not a timid eunuch who won’t fight for her or otherwise assert himself in society.

This is why you see so many younger women sleeping with douche bags that have nothing going for them, then running home to sob into the ever-patient ear of a Cowardly Lion after said douche bag screws them over or kicks them out so he can deal drugs, clean his guns, and/or fuck other women. The masculine part of a man is non-negotiable in the eyes of most women, which eliminates most Cowardly Lions from serious consideration in the eyes of most women.

Does this make any sense logically? Of course not. But Logic (the Male Way of Thinking) and Anti-Logic (the Female Way of Thinking) are topics of discussion for another time. Here’s what you need to derive from this lesson: most women, though almost all of them will deny it to the grave, like to be dominated, led, told what to do, man-handled, and played with rough. You don’t have to like this, as it flies in the face of most Feminist leanings, but I know what I know.

These are practices, the kind you read about in those best-selling 50 Shades novels, are utterly foreign to a Cowardly Lion. In all likelihood, a Cowardly Lion finds it confusing, or even appalling and misogynistic, that a woman finds crude behavior like this sexually arousing. Yet when pressed, most women would admit that they find masculine dominance very attractive.

You don’t have to believe me, but you might consider some historical perspective: known Boys’ Club presidents such as Sean Connery (James Bond), John Wayne, Frank Sinatra, Elvis Presley, and James Dean, are simultaneously remembered as the biggest misogynists and the most appealing male sex icons of all time. Why, you may ask? Because the same masculine qualities that repel women on a logical level strongly attract them on a physical level.

Women, sooner or later, realize that they cannot be in any kind of exclusive, sex-based relationship with a Cowardly Lion because he cannot fulfill her on the most critical level, while a Scarecrow and a Tin Man can. Realization of this fact usually sends women screaming in frustration and ready to swear off men forever. Until…

The Perfect Man

As I mentioned at the top of this article, if an Imperfect Man lacks a brain, a heart, or balls, by definition the Perfect Man has all three.

Stop and think about it, ladies: if you met your Prince Charming, what would he be like? He certainly wouldn’t have any of the flaws detailed above. Though fantasy often presents him as having enough money to ensure that any woman in his life would have no responsibilities in life besides getting sun by the pool and banging him twice a day, the metaphorical Prince Charming is nothing more than a man with a brain, a heart, and balls.

Go watch any Disney animated movie. Go watch any romantic comedy. Read any romance novel or epic love story. Find me contrary evidence where a woman does not find “Happily Ever After” with a man who has a brain, a heart, and balls.

As always, there are the questions of money and loyalty that concern every woman looking for a man. In response, I propose this: if a man has a brain and balls, just how long will it be before he concocts some scheme to make a good deal of money? If he has a brain and a heart, a man certainly will know how true he can be to a woman without being taken advantage of.

Additionally, having both balls and a heart, the Perfect Man knows when he needs to battle for a woman, as well as what it will take to keep her happy and interested. As the title implies, he will do his duties as a man perfectly.

But as I stated above, if a man is able to cultivate and maintain a brain, a heart, and balls, why in the world would he limit himself to one woman when he has a veritable score of woman begging him to impregnate them?

Perhaps love. After all, the Perfect Man is in possession of a large, altruistic heart.

Regardless, any woman reading this will agree that the Perfect Man is scarce and hard to find. And that, friends, is the gist of Dorothy Theory: given the dearth of Perfect Men walking the globe, what alternatives does a woman have?

Simple: a Scarecrow, a Tin Man, or a Cowardly Lion.

Here’s what a man can expect if he knows himself to be a Scarecrow, a Tin Man, or a Cowardly Lion:

Scarecrows will generally find themselves in frequent long-term relationships because most women will consider a brain to be the most acceptable loss among the three qualities inherent to the Perfect Man.

However, a Scarecrow will also subject himself to the most heartache and emotional distress, because women involved with Scarecrows will almost always become bored and susceptible to being stolen away by more exciting, less predictable men, usually Tin Men.

Tin Men can expect lots of brief sexual relationships and women frantically chasing after them, because it is a basic fantasy of almost all women to be the one who changes the heartless man and makes him complete. However, women fail to recognize that dozens, if not hundreds of women prior to her have tried and failed to complete the Tin Man.

Eventually, after an often-prolonged ride on the Tin Man’s emotional roller coaster, a woman says enough is enough and, after one last emotionally exhausting attempt to get the Tin Man to feel something, departs in a fit of rage and frustration. Though a Tin Man will never be long between women, he will often be long between women he trusts, and consequently, love.

(SF Note: However, Tin Men do get to console themselves with the fact that lots of women give you that “I’d fuck you right now, but I’m stuck with the guy who just bought me dinner” look over the shoulders and behind the backs of their current “boyfriends”. In fact, a woman is giving me that look right now as she’s leaving the coffee shop with the guy that just bought her a Cinnamon Roll. So that’s at least something to smile about :-D)

Cowardly Lions can expect to have plenty, and I do mean plenty, of female friends. They will find a level of intimacy with women that most Scarecrows and Tin Men will rarely experience. However, a Cowardly Lion can expect to spend a lot of time silently suffering while the woman or women he so cares about gnaw his ear off talking about their current boyfriends, fuck buddies, crushes, and the sexual fantasies she has that she will never experience with him.

The good news for a Cowardly Lion is this sexless hell will eventually end when a woman starts dating a Scarecrow, and only calls upon him when she grows completely frustrated with the Scarecrow’s inability to understand her the way a Cowardly Lion does. So at least you have that to look forward to.

As always, you can thank me later when this all makes sense.

BK
SF

****

I barely had to edit that post. Over three years later, it remains iron-clad and razor-sharp.

The reason Dorothy Theory suddenly needs re-visited is that the world is growing more and more sensitive by the day. This is great if you’re a Cowardly Lion, because you’ve probably found a gaggle of pussies in lilac polo shirts who will listen to John Mayer and Death Cab for Cutie with you as cut hearts out of red construction paper for the women you claim to adore.

As a Tin Man, this concerns me greatly because actual men are becoming an endangered species. Seriously, as Paula Cole once wrote, “Where have all the Cowboys gone?”

This is annoying to me because almost everywhere I go, I’m outnumbered ten-to-one by social manipulators, people who talk shit and won’t back it up, menstrual pseudo-males who hate red meat and contact sports, and so on.

The worst part is that as much as this vexes me and people like me, this does the greatest disservice to women. The explanation of Dorothy Theory should have made it clear that a Cowardly Lion is certainly no prize for a woman. The idea is to become a Perfect Man, not to become a weepy eunuch for the sole purpose of relating to women better.

My response to this unfortunate regression in the state of 21st Century Masculinity is this:

I will always remain a Man. I am far from a Perfect Man, but in the modern world, simply accepting the responsibilities of Manhood gives me a major leg-up on the competition.

I am going to continue to openly lust after and say sexually provocative things to women I find attractive. I don’t care how many women slap me in the face or how many clowns or douchebags try to  pick passive-aggressive fights with me, I am going to stay a man. Even if I’m the Last Goddamn Man on Earth, holed up in some apartment with the entire James Bond collection and a library of MILF porn like a Testosterone-jacked Vincent Price, I am not going to turn into one of these modern-age sob-sisters who agonizes over whether kissing a girl might betray the sanctity of their friendship.

At some point, I’ll hopefully be able to mentor a few younger guys and teach them that telling a girl she has a nice ass isn’t sexual harassment (it’s a compliment), and possibly help perpetuate the male species.

Furthermore, I’m doing this for women, because once most of the “men” in the world turn into effete twats with Justin Bieber haircuts and no ability to protect and provide for their loved ones, women will be the ones to suffer.

This is not the first, nor will it be the last time, I will have to defend my unconventional worldview. But I’m nothing if not experienced in the ways of the world, and my view is that Men of quality are an endangered species in the modern world. Striving to be a Man of quality is the best way I know to treat women, so I will continue to make it my purpose to both be a better Man, as well as educate younger or less-experienced Men in this regard.

Jack

 

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About sfarrell11000
All over the place

3 Responses to Gender Psychology: Dorothy Theory 2.0

  1. Pingback: Gender Psychology: Being an Asshole vs. Being a Dick « jack_has_spoken

  2. Pingback: Gender Psychology: The Wild Side « jack_has_spoken

  3. Izz says:

    I think either women will just….become more masculine. Happens eventually in one way or another.

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